He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
