You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
