dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
