I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
i was born a porn star she said
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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