so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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