I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
