last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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