You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
