Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
