i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
