i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
