Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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