i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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