Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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