tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
