My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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