I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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