tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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