Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Randomize
