I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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