So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
