So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
We are all done wearing pants today
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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