I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
i drank out of a bidet.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Randomize
