did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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