i'm signing you up for texting rehab
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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