So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize