i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
