A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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