if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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