Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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