Whatcha textin bout Willis?
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
