I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
