He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
