How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
