And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
