It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
