if you like me you must not know who I am
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
My liver just had a heart attack.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
