Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
