The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
