i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
