oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
