I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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