i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
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