sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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