i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
