I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
