I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Randomize