textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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