I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
