some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
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