They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
