peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Randomize
