Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
