you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I can text with my tongue
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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