I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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