just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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