I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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